The Truth(tm) about Stroustrup

[Kekes Stamatis]

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>   SMURF programming language
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> A mere six months after its creation at the University of Waterloo, 
> Microsoft and Borland have announced the release of IBM PC-based 
> compilers for the popular SMURF programming language. From MicroSMURF 
> (a division of Microsoft devoted to SMURF) we will see WinSMURF by 
> July '94. From Borland we'll see Borland SMURF++ by August '94.
>               Wait a Second... What the HECK is SMURF?
> For those of you who haven't heard of SMURF, I'll enclose the 
> following press release, dated April 9th, 1993
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
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>               Waterloo Announces the Release of SMURF
> Prof. B. W. Becker of the University of Waterloo has officially 
> released his unix based SMURF compiler to the world. Developed at UW 
> to provide a powerful object-oriented programming language for second 
> year CS students, SMURF is a powerful and yet simple language well 
> suited to a teaching environment.
> SMURF stands for Short Modular Un-Recursive Function. A brief 
> introduction to SMURF follows.
>
>                            SMURF is Short
>
> SMURF programs are, by necessity, very short. An individual SMURF 
> program can't contain more than four function-calls. For example, a 
> SMURF module might contain one variable assignment, one function which 
> acts on this variable, one call to another SMURF, and a return 
> function which passes the modified variable to the previous SMURF.  
> Each smurf module can access only one variable, called SMURF.
>                           SMURF is Modular
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> SMURF programs may only contain four function calls, but you can have 
> thousands of the little fuckers working together. Picture your CPU, 
> swarming with SMURFs, each perform its own little job without giving a 
> shit about what the other SMURFs are doing, how much CPU time its 
> taking up, or who actually owns that file you told it to erase.
>                        SMURF is un-recursive
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> As Bill Gates so eloquently said in his '91 interview in BYTE magazine 
> "recursive programming sucks!"  To combat this archaic programming 
> style, a SMURF function can not call itself. Complex 
> function-tree-structure analysis built into the SMURF compiler makes 
> sure that sneaky programmers can't trick the SMURFs.
>                      SMURF has (duh) functions
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> Function: If you don't know what these are, you must be very confused 
> by now.
>                            SMURF Modules
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> A programmer writing in SMURF must quickly learn the 100 or so 
> different kinds of SMURF modules. Rather than have libraries which 
> link different kinds of functions into a module, each library has its 
> own kind of SMURF module which it automatically links to. The downside 
> of this is that you can't use functions from two different libraries 
> in the same module. When you're dealing with a maximum of four 
> function calls per module, this usually isn't much of a problem.  
> Several kinds of SMURF modules are described below.
> PapaSMURF: This is the main module, the progenitor of all other 
> SMURFs. It does nothing but execute other SMURF modules. In other 
> words, it bosses the other SMURFs around. There can only be one 
> PapaSMURF.
> SMURFette: This module has no function libraries linked to it. It 
> accepts no parameters. It returns no values. It is incapable of input 
> or output. In other words, it performs no useful function in a SMURF 
> program. It can, however, link to any other SMURF module.  SMURF 
> project-chief Yohan claims "it keeps the other SMURFs happy, and hard 
> working". There is only one SMURFette, and in large SMURF programs 
> especially, she gets linked constantly. The SMURFette module must be 
> linked to the PapaSMURF module, and in multitasking SMURF programs, 
> PapaSMURF's call to SMURFette have priority over all other calls.
> BrainySMURF: This module performs all the input and output functions 
> available in SMURF. In other words, whenever you want user input, or 
> wish to output information to the screen, you have to call 
> BrainySMURF. The BrainySMURF library is one of the most criticized 
> parts of SMURF. The input routines work fine, but the output routines 
> are slow and tend to include extraneous information. You can have as 
> many BrainySMURF modules as you want, but you'll wish you had less.
> ClumsySMURF: Whenever you define your SMURF variable in a module, 
> you'll use some memory. SMURF doesn't reclaim this memory when the 
> module is exited, you have to destroy the variable using ClumsySMURF 
> if you want that. If you ever have more than one ClumsySMURF module 
> running simultaneously, chances are they'll get confused, and start 
> randomly destroying memory.
> HeftySMURF: This module moves information from one memory location to 
> another. Whenever you want to assign a variable or copy a list, you've 
> gotta call HeftySMURF.
> There are hundreds more. Type "man SMURF" for more information.
>
>                             Hello SMURF!
>
> For those of you who are confused, I'll show you an example SMURF 
> program. Note, each of these is a separate module-file, the name of 
> which is given. Papa.SMURF    SMURF!      {         Link 
> Smurfette.SMURF;         Call Brainy.SMURF.Smurf-them-hello-Brainy; 
>      }    ENDSMURF.
> Smurfette.SMURF    SMURF!      {}    ENDSMURF.
> Brainy.SMURF.Smurf-them-hello-Brainy    SMURF!      {         SMURF = 
> Call Hefty.SMURF.What-is-their-name-Hefty;         OutSmurf("Hello 
> "SMURF);         Call Clumsy.Destroy-this-name-for-us-Clumsy(SMURF); 
>         ReSMURF();    % Poor Brainy didn't get to SMURF with SMURFette 
>      }    ENDSMURF.
> Hefty.SMURF.What-is-their-name-Hefty     SMURF!      {         
> CreateSmurfString(SMURF);         Call 
> Brainy.SMURF.Ask-them-their-name-Brainy(SMURF);         Link 
> Smurfette.SMURF;         ReSMURF(SMURF);      }    ENDSMURF.
> Brainy.SMURF.Ask-them-their-name-Brainy(SMURF);    SMURF!      { 
>         SMURF = GetStringSMURF("What the smurf is your name?");    % 
> Ha, this time I will SMURF her good!         Link Smurfette.SMURF; 
>         ReSMURF(SMURF);      }    ENDSMURF.
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> Clumsy.SMURF.Destroy-this-name-for-us-Clumsy(SMURF);    SMURF!      { 
>         SmurfWithAHammer(SMURF);         Link Smurfette.SMURF;         
> ReSMURF();      }    ENDSMURF.
> Of course, this is a very simple program, which is why so little code 
> was needed.  The 420 megabyte example source code for CalcuSMURF"(a 
> non smurfentific...er...scientific calculator), which comes on CD-Rom 
> with WinSMURF, gives a much better demonstration of the power of 
> SMURF. 
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> "Have a smurfy day!" - Bill Gates SMURF project manager
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